Turducken

Well, well, well (don't overcook the bird).

It is late night on what is known as Thanksgiving in the United States. By now, you have gorged yourselves with whatever culinary triumphs, or disasters, that have been presented to you. Perhaps you are a wee bit loaded from the innumerable intoxicants that are societal staples because the reality is society is so fucked up you need to be fucked up to cope with it. You may have even, given the state of political affairs, bloodied up one of your friends or relatives predicated upon their inability to see things through your sociopolitical lens.

Your toilet is unhappy today.

I do not “celebrate” Thanksgiving for obvious reasons. I will not celebrate the genocide of my ancestors on either side: Alkebulanian or Original American. I have some European ones too, but that is resultant of a series of unfortunate events and, thusly, they are of no significance.

I eat to live, I do not live to eat and I absolutely am a food snob. So Thanksgiving’s relationship to food is lost upon me. Nonetheless, for shitz and giggles, I will wax gastronomic for your exclusive entertainment albeit caution is advised.

Turducken

Turducken is a layered dish of deboned chicken stuffed inside a deboned duck, which is then stuffed inside a deboned turkey. The name comes from the words "turkey," "duck," and "chicken.” It remains unknown as to exactly when Chef Paul Prudhomme “invented” what is known as the Turducken, but it is likely the late 1970’s. Not much of an “invention,” but without a doubt novel to the masses.

A Turducken is a wondrous thing. It is as gastronomically wondrous as it is perilous. I choose words (because I look N-Words) most carefully. I used the word “wondrous” instead of, let’s say, “marvelous” for a reason. Any chef knows that handling birds presents a number of issues, let alone managing birds within birds. Exhibit the regal discipline that I am and keep your jokes to yourselves.

Now given “the holiday season,” I need to embark upon the obligatory mild digression sometimes tied to my journalism. Those familiar expect it, the unfamiliar will either learn to, or perish. Whatever the case the journey will be elegant in conclusion, and I can almost guarantee that where you are now departing is nowhere near where you think you will arrive. The word destiny is a derivative of the word destination.

In the end.

As a little boy, a very little boy, I enjoyed cooking shows. The first cooking show I remember as a four or five year old was Graham Kerr’s Galloping Gourmet. Graham had this queer British way about himself that was somewhere between being unmitigated idiocy and mollifyingly charming. He was a mediocre chef, but wildly entertaining. At least to my childish mind.

By the time I became a teenager Chef Paul Prudhomme had a program on PBS. Chef Paul, to this very day, is a culinary guru to me though he died almost ten years ago. He was morbidly obese; at 5’6 he sometimes tipped the scale at over 500 pounds. His obesity was so severe, that for many years he had to wheel himself around the on-set kitchen in a motorized scooter. Chef Paul was less of a technician (ala Julia Child) than he was a “down home” cook. The word “down” is closely associated with Black People in the United States and someday, in the near future, I intend to expound on that thematic reality.

Never trust a skinny chef.

Like European-Americans regularly practice, Chef Paul was a culture-vulture. You know, like Elvis mimicked Race Record (now known as R&B) artists and the “devil’s music” and became mainstream. Or what were known as pickaninny braids in a derogatory racist, anti-blackist slur becoming attractive when Bo Derek sported them in the movie “10.” Or Britney Spears becoming the white Janet Jackson, the Osmond brothers the white Jackson Five and the Backstreet Boys becoming the white version of Boyz II Men. Or white boys calling each other “bro.” I’ve never quite figured out how and why things become more acceptable when European-Americans do them.

In any event, Chef Paul was a culinary badass that cooked from the “soul” (see what I did there?). And, as previously mentioned, he is credited by those in the know for coming up with the Turducken. The less informed among us (if that is humanly possible) attribute the Turducken to NFL coach, announcer and icon John Madden which is a myth. Coach Madden could eat, but he couldn’t cook. Chef Paul could and did do both, excessively.

The Turkey

As birds go, I find the turkey a rather unruly beast in terms of flavor with a fickleness of cooking that tends to be more trouble than it is worth. I once went hunting wild turkey, but saw little sport in it and ended up drinking copious amounts of Wild Turkey. There is something unsettling about a bunch of drunk dudes wielding shotguns. I never imbibed in either endeavor again.

The national bird of the United States is the bald eagle but there exists a story that Benjamin Franklin wanted the national symbol to be a turkey. The story about Benjamin Franklin wanting the national bird to be a turkey is a myth resultant of a letter Franklin wrote to his daughter criticizing the original eagle design for the Great Seal, saying that it looked more like a turkey. Actually, Uncle Ben wanted the national symbol to be a rattlesnake as depicted in the Gadsden flag.

Frankly (there I go again being clever), I think the turkey would have been perfect as the national symbol and the rattlesnake a personification of the United States. Then we could eat more bald eagle (a horrific tasting creature) or rattlesnake. Instead of a 20 pound turkey gracing your table, imagine a 20 pound diamondback rattlesnake stuffed with wild rice and an apple in its mouth elegantly coiled up on a silver platter. Your guests would have been impressed beyond belief in addition to knowing there was no jive-turkey in the kitchen.

There is a southwestern Asian country known as “Turkey” (it’s actually Türkiye) that has nothing to do with flightless birds. Turkey is a serious nation with a formidable military ranking among the world’s top global military powers and holding the second largest standing force within NATO (Nothing but Anglo Terrorist Organization), only behind the United States. This is due to its large active personnel count, significant military spending, and development of advanced weaponry, particularly drones, which solidify its position as a major military player in the region.

However, Turkey’s relationship with NATO is strained for several reasons. First it has cordial relations with both Russia and China, two countries considered “enemies” by the United States. Secondarily, Turkey supports Hamas and just a few weeks ago President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced that Turkey has officially severed relations with Israel due to its murderous and genocidal actions in Palestine and Lebanon. Fair to say that Turkey is a bit of a hot potato.

The Duck

Unlike turkey, I am gastronomically enamored with duck and find the thought of burying it in the cavity of a turkey sacrilegious. Indeed, the duck is a fine bird that commands respect from the chef. Personally, I like to brine it in a solution of water, sugar and soy sauce for about four hours. Then I pat it dry, wrap it in cheesecloth and let it dry out in the refrigerator overnight. Then I smoke it… unless I run out of rolling papers.

Like the turkey, there is another type of duck. This one is called a lame-duck due to what is known as a "lame-duck period” which refers to a time when an outgoing elected official is still in office after their successor has been elected but before their term officially ends. The United States has the longest lame-duck period of any “democracy” and Joe Biden is a lame-duck president. What is politically freakish about the situation is that the newly elected president, Agent Orange, will be a lame-duck president as soon as he takes office. Weird.

Lame-duck presidents can be very dangerous and “American” history is replete with examples of outgoing presidents who actively sabotaged their successor during the lame-duck period, sometimes in the middle of a historic crisis. A stark and recent example was the last lame-duck president (Trump) who is the newly elected lame-duck president. Dizzy yet?

The January 6, 2021 storming of the U.S. Capitol was a result of the long lame-duck period which gave insurrectionists loyal to President Donald Trump two full months to plan the putsch that briefly occupied the Capitol and forced lawmakers to flee in terror. The insurrectionists were incited by a president who encouraged them to stage a “wild” protest while lawmakers formally certified Biden’s victory. Nonetheless, Trump was still the sitting president and retained command and control over both federal law enforcement and U.S. military forces. For mysterious reasons, the Pentagon was reportedly slow to approve emergency requests to send troops to regain control of the building.

The Chicken

My relationship with chicken is kind of a love-hate, yin-yang sort of thing. Where I despise turkey and love duck, I am somewhere in the middle with chicken. But I don’t like basketball, watermelon or Cadillacs either. I once visited a relative in Kansas that had kids my age and she told me to go out back and ride bikes with them. They were playing a game called “chicken” with their bikes crashing into each other. Sick bastards! I never went to visit them again.

I digress.

Like the turkey and the duck, there is another type of chicken. An extremely dangerous breed of chicken that could, quite possibly, end life on planet Earth. It is called “nuclear-chicken” and it very close to being served up. Allow me to explain.

Just weeks ago, Russia revised its nuclear doctrine with respect to not only a much more aggressive target acquisition policy but also first strike policy. This is in response to United States President Joe Biden authorizing Ukraine to use U.S. supplied missiles to strike deeper inside Russia, easing limitations on the longer range weapons as Russia deploys thousands of North Korean troops. One week ago, Russia launched an attack with a new kind of hypersonic ballistic missile that cruises at over two miles per second. The Oreshnik (aka “Hazel”) missile carries six warheads and struck Dnipro, Ukraine.

This is a very dangerous situation. Whatever one thinks of Vladimir Putin, I am not willing to assume he is bluffing and who the hell wants to find out? Putin is not playing. For the record, I don’t have anything against Russia or Putin as my problems are right here in the good ole U.S.A. or what I refer to as The Island. Billy-Bob is my problem. Billy-Bob is the one shooting my people in the back and killing them while they sleep.

When Putin launched Hazel last week it was armed with kinetic warheads which cause minimal damage. By this demonstration he was showing capacity, not intent. I think he has been remarkably restrained given circumstances and I hope he continues to be so.

Speaking of restraint, Iran has notified the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) of its plan to install more than 6,000 additional centrifuges at its nuclear enrichment facilities and to activate more of its existing centrifuges, according to a confidential IAEA report released Thursday. A recent resolution by the IAEA backed by the usual suspects (the U.S., Britain, France and Germany) pissed off the Iranians resulting in the announced expansion. The increase in Iran’s enrichment levels is ominous; especially considering the retarded kid next door named Israel that has “undeclared” nuclear weapons. What kind of shit is that? If Iran has any sense it will develop nukes and take a lesson from Libya.

Turd Duckin’

Turkey is simmering. We have a lame-duck outgoing president and a lame duck incoming president. One that may sabotage the other, and one that is going to come into office very, very angry with scores to settle. Old duck and Cold Duck. The nuclear chicken is coming to a boil in the form of an all-out arms race in a world more destabilized than it has ever been. So you see, we are having a lot of crap thrown at us and when feces is being flung ‘tis best to duck.

It’s called turd-duckin.’

Are you not entertained!